


Guardians of the Galaxy do PSA's

by TooManyFandomstoCount



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy - All Media Types
Genre: Comic Book Science, Crack, F/M, Gen, I seeee you still here, Not Really Important, and publicists for the space government, and some oc's - Freeform, basically a space version of parks and rec if they were more public relations, buh-bye, but they do provide outside perspective, can't you tell?, combusting aliens, features baby groot, i LOVE THESE CHARACTERS SO MUCH, i'm having fun with tags, no literally, okay stop reading the tags, on with the story mates, shoo, space pot is baaaaaad, talk to the hand, this is crack to the nth power
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 11:25:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5373599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooManyFandomstoCount/pseuds/TooManyFandomstoCount
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>based on prompt on kinkmeme:<br/>Post movie, Some genius recruits our favorite bunch of a-holes ate recruited to do PSAs for Xandar.<br/>Things goes hilariously wrong as:</p><p>1. Drax has no concept of what acting is (and that the solution to most of life's problem is violence).<br/>2.Peter think Space Pot should be legalized.<br/>2. Rocket believes the solution to being bullied is weapons and lots of them.<br/>4. Groot is sincere, but obviously has problems with dialogue and is still very, adorably tiny.</p><p>Not everything here happens, but I tried.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drax

Glit Mansoon had been a photographer/director for the Nova Corps. public works agency since his 14th cycle. He was calm, patient, and his yellow cheeks had never turned orange with anger. Until now, that is.

"I do not understand," said the big literal one. "When Galactus attacks, everyone should just fight him and die with honor!"

Glit burbled in anger, his cheeks as orange as the sunset. Yeah, he was afraid of the huge gray man who could probably throw him to one of Xandar's moons, tattooed arms not even flexing with the swing, but right now his exasperation exceeded his fear.

"We are talking about members of the general public. I don't doubt you could slow Galactus down, but even you are no match for him. So just...pretend you are a weak Xandarian citizen." 

His voice was fighting to be civil and not go full on rant.

"But I am not a Xandarian citizen."

"Then ACT!!"

"Why should I pretend to be something I'm not? I am Drax the Destroyer! Everyone should learn to fight and kill like me!"

Glit just sighed and brought his flipper to his forehead in the Terran gesture of exasperation. Why oh why did his boss HAVE to have the strong warrior do this Public Service Announcement? 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
5 hours later (yes, 5 hours for 3 glorping sentences!)

"Hello, my name is Drax. Drax the Destroyer from the Guardians of the Galaxy. I was asked to tell you what to do if Galactus ever decides to eat Xandar. I would destroy him. I am strong. If I was weak, which I am not (for I am Drax the Destroyer), I would still fight him and die with honor. But they tell me that you shouldn't. So just follow officers of the Nova Corps to space pods for evacuation and eventual relocation. This is the Galactus contingency plan and I am Drax the Destroyer."


	2. Peter Quill

Peter Quill (you may know him as Star-Lord) did not know why the yellow Argisirian was so mad he had to be dragged out of the room, kicking and screaming. He had never seen one so orange before. 

"Ummm...we have to get on with this recording, right?" He asked innocently. "Now THAT guy is out. Pshh, he was hard to work with anyway."

Everyone glared at him. He had no clue what went wrong, honestly! Okay, there was that thing...

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
20 minutes earlier (Peter Quill has a talent for pissing people off in short amounts of time.)

"Hey guys! Awesome of you to choose the amazing Star-Lord as your li'l mascot!" Peter bounded into the slightly stuffy recording studio. It was alien-hipster (so imitating earth as much as some Americans imitate Japan), with a green screen and boring office layout. They even had a whiteboard! 

"We are honored to have you here. The whiteboard has everything you are going to say. Do not add to it. Thank you." Glit Mansoon, the one who had contacted Peter spoke in a clear and clipped tone, emulating the calm his people were known for.

"Okay, let's get this show on the road. That pretty intern is waiting for me in my ship so I'm kinda in a hurry." 

Peter ran over to the green screen and they started rolling.

"Hello. My name is Peter Quill, roguishly handsome criminal turned Guardian of this galaxy. I like long walks on the ship dock and Xandarian beer. Which brings me to my point. Alcohol causes impaired judgement. Like that time I slept with a blubber-humanoid of whaleworld. That was pretty crazy. When you drink alcohol, make sure to wait the proper amount of time before you operate any kind of manual spacecraft. If you don't know how much time is enough then ladies, just spend the night with me and it'll all be out by then. Or you can be boring and do research like a loser. Anywho, the reason you shouldn't drink and steer is because most species lose control when intoxicated. Then you can get into an accident, injure yourself, and never get the good meds because the system stinks! We need to get Lycotula(space-pot) legalized. It helps so much with self-medicating! Down-with-the-No-va-Corps., the-sys-tem-stinks! Down-with-the-sanc-tions, they-al-so-stink! "

Peter realized that the more he talked, the oranger the Argisirian got until he looked like the sun. 

"Quill! You are WORKING for the Nova Corps. right now! Do not promote anarchy against your employers!" Glit was shrieking now, flippers gesticulating wildly.

"Well I'm not sure you even exist! Are you turning into bubbles? It looks like you are turning into bubbles. Ooooh pretty rainbow!" Peter was touching the air looking dazed. He walked around in circles for a few minutes before gaining lucidity.

"Are you ON space-pot!?"

"Yeah, it gives me a little boost. But I do have those moments right before it wears off and I crash... Am I still on that or can you really burble? You sound like a pot of boiling hot water right now!"

And this is where we left off, Glit Monsoon exploding, reforming, being dragged out of the room by two Nova Corps. officers, and a certain someone being obnoxious about it.

"Now THAT guy is out. Pshh, he was hard to work with anyway." 

So they did another shot with a Nova officer working the camera. Peter looked exhausted, but agreed to the second shot.

"Hi. My name's Star Quill, I mean Peter Lord. Screw it, I'm Star-Lord. Peter Quill! Point is, don't drink and drive any manually operated spacecraft. Also, legalize space pot. I'm out of it cuz the government won't give me any (and I'm broke) and look at how it's affecting me. Just go to the ice-pick lounge on Knowhere and somebody'll hit you up. Don't drive towards the end of your high, you WILL lose control. Kay, see ya when I see ya."

"Take 2, and this time less about the space-pot and more about the drinking."

"Urggh. Don't drink and drive because that's dumb and everything is stupid but that's stupider-"

"Take 3, try to be positive this time."

"Hi! I'm Peter Quill, also known as Star-Lord. When you go out and drink, make sure to be safe: consult a chart or AI about your species' limits and don't drive any vehicle until you are fully sober. Also-legalize-space-pot-thanks!"

"you know what? I don't care anymore. This is all obsolete. Just use this shot."

(That Nova Corps. officer later got in trouble for smoking space-pot immediately after this filming.)


	3. Groot

Jane Fukdis had seen many weird thing in her life. As an intern in a branch of the Xandarian government devoted to reaching the people(with PSAs, government-funded events, teen-outreach programs, anti-special bullying seminars to teach kids about racism...) she had seen her fair share of alien creatures. Which is why she just decided to go with it when Starlord flirted with her and brought her to her ship. 

(He was one of the most normal things she'd ever seen. Normal enough to use her last name as a pickup line ("Jane, huh? Well I'd certainly like to Fuk dis."). So normal that she was abandoned for hours in his ship (Weird enough that he'd annoyed her mentor into exploding-that didn't happen often.) And then when he came back, he was too busy inhaling space pot to notice her leaving.)

But back to the present, this was one of the weirdest things she'd ever seen: A potty-mouthed raccoon holding a moving baby tree in a pot. The PSAs were preventing fires and anti-bullying. She wrote up the cue cards and observed how her boss handled the 'actors'. 

 

"I am Groot. I AMMMM Groot, I aaaaaaaaaaaaamm GROOOOOOOOT! I am groot, I. Am grrrrrrrrrrrrooot."

Yep, sounds about right, she thought. The cute little sapling in a pot with his high pitched voice had just taught her everything she needed to know about forest fires, his little tree-body gesticulating and emphasizing. 

She looked over to Mr. Mansoon. He was counting down from 10 in his head. Noticing her cue, she said "Take two, and a little more passion this time, Groot."

"I am Groot. I AMMMM Groot, I aaaaaaaaaaaaamm GROOOOOOOOT! I am groot, I. Am grrrrrrrrrrrrooot. We are Groot?"

This was hopeless. The tree obviously cared about preventing fires, especially forest fires, but he couldn't communicate that. They went through multiple takes, each as successful as the first. Also, between every take the raccoon would mutter about how his buddy was an excellent actor and the previous take was perfect. Finally Jane had an idea. She was a bit of an artist, so she made a whiteboard illustrating all of her points. Then they gave Groot a pointer and some tiny glasses and a tie. 

That shoot was perfect, but Rocket Raccoon had to go and ruin it by accidentally breaking the camera when he swung out his huge gun and started polishing it.

Jane seethed. This was going to be her chance of a promotion. She'd be Jane the government official, not just Jane the intern! Her boss wasn't faring any better. He looked like he was ready to cry. Hell, even the tree was pouting.

"What'd I do?" Asked Rocket.

"Oh, aside from ruining the best PSA we've managed to get from you guardians, you mean?" Glit snarking was never a good sign. So Jane got her blue butt out of the room and started making his prime calming-down drink (redbull, coke, mountain dew, coffee, and a shot of scotch mixed with microwaved beer.).

When she came back, the room was full of half-taken-apart weapons. The raccoon was arguing about how bullies deserve to be blasted while Glit started to get dangerously red at the edges. 

"Everyone, shut up!" She screamed. Once an Agrisirian blew up, it was a warning that his next combustion would be nuclear. So Jane diffused the situation by giving Glit his drink and glaring at the raccoon to keep him quiet. Groot was motionless on the windowsill, pretending to be a potted plant. Which he was. Sort-of.

"Good news, one of the guys from tech managed to salvage Groot's PSA from the memory stick." Glit calmed down a bit. He told her to submit it and that he would finish Rocket's on his own. Well not completely on his own, he had his special drink to get him through the day. So Jane left with the memory stick and counted her blessings that there were only 2 more PSAs to do.

**Author's Note:**

> Comment or give me some kudos. Come on, give momma some sugar.
> 
> I'll give you a night with Peter Quill.....


End file.
